Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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