i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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