I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
barbara walters just said penis...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You need Xanax blowdarts
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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