was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
