I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
