Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
