I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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