I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
