finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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