I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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