Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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