I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
