Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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