Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
