if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
