And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash