Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
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When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
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My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything