Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The pigeons can smell the fear
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule