I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
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dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I can't put those talents on a resume
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
