When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
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You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
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my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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