i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
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Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
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His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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