I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
