Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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