Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
