is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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