Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
