have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
