Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
