I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
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Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
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I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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