yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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