I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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