my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
