When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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