walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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