he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
