He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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