so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
