"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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