he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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