God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
