I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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