I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
