So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
