i wish there were pregnant emoticons
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
