Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
