well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
