Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
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this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
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Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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