I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
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If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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