Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
