Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
