dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this will be a night to untag.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
