i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Randomize
