How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
