so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
