i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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