His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
