What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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