Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize