Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
my poor anus
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
