I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
