Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
