we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You took a bar mat shot.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
