i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
