I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
