any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
