He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
