just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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