I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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